How To Score A Second Date

Having recently been asked to write for a dating site, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to dating and relationships. For most of my life, I was a serial monogamist, getting caught in the trap of long, often unhealthy, and codependent relationships. It seemed about time I learned “how to date.” So, I went on a date.

As you can probably infer from the title of the post, the date went well. Not because he made witty conversation, asked though-provoking questions or sucked up to my dog by bringing him bacon, but because I was my authentic self.

Most of the time when we meet new people, we decide if the encounter was successful based on his or her actions or reactions. But since I’m all about personal responsibility, (and since I can’t help if you chose to go on a date with a weirdo), what determines if there will be a second date is you.

  • Are you confident enough to be your true self for 2-3 hours?
  • Can you get out of your own head about who you think you’re supposed to be?
  • Are you comfortable being present and releasing attachment to a specific outcome?

Most people meet others with a myriad of hypothetical outcomes already in their head. And there was a time when I did too, approaching relationships from a place of lack. And it got me nowhere. In fact, all it did was make me future-trip and not see the guy for who was and where he was in his journey.

So, this time I did things differently:

Somewhere between shaving my legs and applying lip gloss, I set an intention.

  • To be present.
  • To see myself.
  • To be myself.

We’ve been taught to see love as something outside ourselves, something that we must attain or achieve. But the truth is that without awareness and connection to ourselves, we will never be able to connect to another person. And that is why self-love is the cornerstone of every relationship. Without it, we are focused on our needs, our lack, and the other person’s flaws. When we are filled with self-love, we can give and receive love from a place of wholeness and abundance.

And that was how I determined that the date was successful. Because I focused on me. I focused on how I was feeling. I had no attachment to what the date should look like, the funny things I would say or witty retorts he ought to have. I didn’t look to him to complete me because I am already complete exactly as I am.

During the date I was happy. I didn't feel the push and pull of strained egos and expectations. I was content simply being me. 

And I will continue to ask myself those same questions each time until I have a different response.

Here’s my challenge to you:

  • Can you give yourself the love you need before seeking it elsewhere?
  • Can you remain present without focusing on what will or won’t be?

Ultimately, you won’t arrive at your destination any faster by ignoring what’s in front of you.
You’ll never receive love until you can give it to yourself first.
So what do you have to lose?

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