The Problem With "Nice"

I have been called many things in my life: caring, quirky, moody, but "nice" has never been one of them. And frankly, I’m more than okay with that. I’m ecstatic. Why?

Cause “nice” is lame as shit.

I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend about his ex. Historically, this has proven to be a bad decision. But this time, I braced myself and indulged. Instead of hearing sordid sex tales and romantic adventures, all he said was “she was nice, so I stayed.”

My response: "Gross."

I simply don’t respect nice.

It’s not that I want to be with someone who’s a dick, it’s just that nice isn't enough.

We all talk about the things we want in a partner: Someone who’s funny, intelligent, can make a decent omelet. Yet as soon as we meet someone it all goes out the window. But instead of taking any responsibility for this, we rationalize staying with the all-too-common excuse of: they’re “nice,” ”sweet,“ or my personal favorite, “have potential.”

Realistically, what does any of that shit mean anyway?

The irony, of course, is that when we are with these “nice” “sweet” people, we recognize that we would be happier with people who are better suited for us, the people who, dare I say it, had the characteristics that went down the drain as soon as we met Mr. Right Now.

So what’s causing all of this? We’re too nice. Seriously, the reason we stay in relationships that don’t work isn't simply the fear of being alone. More often than not, we don’t want to hurt the other person.

But what about the people we weed out early on?  

Often, we proceed to get to know people based not on the presence of chemistry, but on the absence of deal breakers. It’s a defensive strategy that backfires for 2 reasons:

  1. No one brings out the crazy on the first date (except for me)
  2. As we get closer to people, our desire to not hurt/reject them grows, keeping us stuck in the cycle of niceness.

So what do you do?

Get over the pain of experiencing rejection and inflicting it. Give people a chance based on what you actually want, not on the absence of what you don’t want. And if you’re at the point where you’re in too deep, just remember: It’s a bandaid. Rip it off.