The Unwritten Relationship Contract: Part I


We don’t often think of it this way, but relationships are sacred contracts. Sure, we aren’t consciously aware of it, we usually make these contracts without being mindful of what we’re agreeing to.

For example, in a sacred contract with my former boyfriend, we made an unspoken deal: I had attachment issues and what I needed from him was safety and the certainty that he’d always be there for me. He, on the other hand, sucked at dealing with his own emotions. He spent much of his life caring for others without addressing his own issues. He avoided any conflict in an effort to keep the peace. In our unspoken agreement, I promised not to push him on his issues or make him talk about his emotions. He agreed to keep me safe.

For years, this contract served us both. He held me safely in my cocoon so I could “heal.” In return, I did my best to hold up my end of the bargain. It seemed to work well enough for a few years.

But slowly and epically, it fell apart. (For more on how I f***ed up my love life check out 25 Way I Screwed Up My Relationships: Part 1 and Part 2.)

So what happened?

Contracts get stale. We evolve. Growth happens, and in time, most contracts need to be renegotiated. Ultimately, my dependency on him keeping me safe was our downfall.

Self-love (the acknowledgement and practices that support that my primary relationship is with myself) should have been the root on which our relationship could grow, but I digress. Back to the issue at hand.

The key to a beautiful and rich relationship is two whole people who are willing to write and rewrite contracts that are aligned with each other’s highest truth. Had we showed up for our relationship in a mature space of self-love, the contract would have demonstrated the integrity of our love for each other and the assignment that our souls had agreed to learn together.

New Contracts

In light of recent events, I’ve spent the week mentally renegotiating almost every sacred contract in my life. I realized that I had made these agreements with many people on the premise that they were supposed to read my mind. As you can imagine, the likelihood that they would be able to know what I desire and demonstrate their love appropriately without any communication about this is virtually impossible. In return, I was supposed to read their minds as well.

Needless to say, such agreements haven’t been going well. Turns out I suck as a mind-reader, and wouldn’t you know it, my loved ones suck at reading mine. What ensued was unmet expectations and repetitive disappointment all around, which seriously sucks.

Expressing your Desires & Boundaries

So now, I’m working at renegotiating these contracts. Some have happily agreed to the new terms and were impressed by my ability to have a mature conversation about it. Our relationships are stronger because we were willing to look at our unconscious agreements and update them to the present.

Others have not gone as I had hoped. These are the contracts that expired. It is a struggle to continue the relationship that has already, on a karmic level, completed. Thus, it was time to release each other – with love, cutting the cords and wrapping the ends of those cords in white light, surrendering them to the Universe.

Does this make me sad? Yes. But it also makes me truly happy to choose myself and my growth over temporary discomfort.

This process has allowed and continues to allow me to be even more discerning with the people I choose to surround myself with. I, like you, deserve to be able to freely express what I want and need even when it leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed.

And, the reverse is true. This process allows those who are in my life to feel that they, too can be vulnerable without the fear that I will not meet their needs. This is where an evolved relationship begins.

Check back tomorrow where I will discuss what goes into the new contract and what it takes to be in an evolved relationship. 

I'd love to hear your opinions and experiences on this topic. What contracts have you unknowingly signed? What has that been like for you and your relationship?
Comment below!