The Unwritten Relationship Contract-Part II


Thanks for checking out part deux!

Last time, we talked about the contracts we've unknowingly drafted and signed with our friends, family, coworkers and significant others. If you missed it, check it out here. 

So now that we've established the importance of this contract. It's time to discuss:

  1. What needs to go in the contract
  2. The benefits of having the conversation
  3. The first steps

If you read the blog often, you know that I'm a big fan of giving you a takeaway at the end. Today, let's just start with it: 


As I draft my relationship contracts, here is the clause I write in bold:

I will do whatever I can to meet your wants and needs, but only as long as they’re in alignment with my individual highest truth. No guilt trips. No blame games. No sacrificing either of our desires to please the other. Middle ground.

The ultimate commitment is trusting each other enough to share our deepest desires, while setting our own boundaries and saying no when we can’t meet a need.

So what does it take?

An insane amount of courage. Putting yourself out there and being brave enough to express what you want in a relationship is scary since you know there will be times when your desire will go unmet, and now, they’re on the table for the world to see. For example, if you want your partner to have sex four times each week and your partner isn’t on the same page, you may feel exposed and naked (literally!) Now your desire is just hanging out there and neither can ignore what is true for either of you.

Yeah, it’s uncomfortable, but stating your truth trumps the white-lies and mind reading. Why? Because you’ve set a boundary. And it’s liberating to learn about and express yourself in an authentic way.

Putting it all out there is the only way to evaluate the contract.

So what are the benefits of having this challenging conversation? 

  1. Physical Health. Relationships, whether they are romantic, friendly, or familial, impact your health more than soda, cigarettes, or anything else. Our bodies respond to love, friendship, and a feeling of community with unparalleled vitality.  Toxic relationships harm our bodies. So unless you have healthy relationships in your life, it’s hard to truly be healthy.
  2. Spiritual Health. Taking actions that cultivate self-love put us in a place where we are able to meet our own needs. Aligning with our truth supports us as we enter into contracts by allowing us to meet people who mirror our best self. It also allows expired contracts to fall away with more ease and less discomfort.
  3. Happiness.  This one is a no-brainer. Communicating our authentic truth and living from that place is the key to sustainable happiness. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to know what we can expect from others and stop playing mind-games? It opens up the time and energy for us to do the things that make us truly happy.  


Want this, but don't know where to start? 

  1. Clean up your side of the street! To do this, take a bird's eye view on your relationship. Step out of your body and look at the situation from above as your higher self.  This helps to put things in perspective. It pulls you out of the muck and removes the illusions of "he should be doing that," or "I need her to give me this." From a spiritual perspective, most of the things that you perceive is the other person's responsibility to give you, you can and should be giving to yourself. For most of us, this is uncharted territory. Sure, the unknown is scary, but the discomfort around that is nothing compared to the bliss of a happy relationship with yourself and others.
  2. Get clear on why you're doing this. The intention when you have the contract conversation is to have two people come together as equals.  Its establishment says that you will both make an effort to meet each other’s desires as often as you can without sacrificing your own desires or self-care.  If one person is constantly expressing desires and the other is repeatedly saying no, the contract expired and needs to be updated or torn up. Set the intention that you are doing this for you and your truth, not to achieve some end game.


So to sum everything up...

Even though it may feel vulnerable to have the conversation about needs, desires, and contracts with your partner, friends, or family, it’s worth the effort. Not only will it strengthen the quality of your relationships, it’s been scientifically proven to improve your physical health. Why not take a step to achieve your optimal physical, emotional, and spiritual health?

Ask Yourself: 

  • Are there any contracts in your life that need to be renegotiated?
  • Are you expecting people to read your mind?
  • What if you were willing to just lay it all out there?

Sometimes you have to risk it all to gain it all.

    I'd love to hear about your experience with the contracts in your life.

    What has worked? What hasn't worked? Comment Below!